Some may know, some may not, but I moved from my home for nearly all my life. Moving from Mississippi to Iowa was interesting. Countless people tell me “what a great school!”, “you will do great!”, and “I’m proud of you”. Truth be told, it was a failure. A hot, beautiful mess of failure. I still count the days until I can graduate, but it has taught me some lessons (see previous blog). However, that isn’t the reason for this blurb.
Rather, I have moved yet again (only for a summer internship) and a whole new mess of challenges have come my way. Yet, somehow, I am at the greatest peace with myself since, well, I have not clue since when. I drove over 1,500 miles and 24 hours to the sunny state of Florida and God couldn’t have planned it any better.
I AM LONELY.
I know no one here.
I have no one to go grab a beer with, watch baseball, chill with on the beach, ANYTHING.
and I oddly am ok with this.
Have I changed? Yes I have. I have shaken off the shallow soul many once knew as JKT. I have learned from my mistakes of being a pompous, arrogant ass whole who thought he knew it all. I have changed.
This lovely revelation wasn’t free. It cost me, a lot. I lost the best friend I could have ever asked for. I have strained relationships with family. I have cried and looked the ugliness that was me in the eye.
What is this?
New school. New state. New kind of lonely. I can revel in the quietness. I can find joy in the silence. I am ok with not seeking the attention and love of others. Perhaps my greatest challenge of hyper-masculinity, hyper-arrogance, hyper-shitty-ness was that of my own self.
I have learned so much – so much about myself.
Being Lonely isn’t always bad – it can be good. Change happens at the edge of discomfort, so why not be revel in the times of strange?
Whatever these few months may hold, I am facing head on.
Whatever the next 348 days until graduation hold, I can survive. it.
Whatever life may bring, I know I can always learn from others – and myself.
Whatever the hell you may have known about me, may have experienced, may have heard – it probably was true. However, looking in the rear-view and the mirror for the past year has taught me many things and one thing for sure – change has come, change will come, life is change.
So long old self, Hello new lonely, new self, new life.
I have began a journey to find myself and I cannot wait to see what tomorrow will hold.