Oh the Places You Will Go: But Home is Where You Wanna Stay

May of 2010 I turned 18, graduated from Myrtle Attendance Center (it’s when K-12 is on the same grounds), and started to count down the days till I could finally leave Myrtle (and New Albany to boot). Fast forward to August and what little belongings I couldn’t live without were moved into the RC South at The University of Mississippi. It wasn’t far from home (about 36 miles) but hey, Oxford at least had a Kroger.

Five years I spent in Oxford. I traveled to Peru, Seattle, and pretty much every SEC football stadium to cheer on my Rebels. I must confess, I could/should have graduated after 3.5 years, but I couldn’t give up my *self-proclaimed* kingdom. I had a friend who tried to get me to study abroad with her, but sadly I made yet another mistake and decided not to. While Ole Miss was fun, the memories are endless, and the people were amazing, my time was filled with mistakes, miss opportunities, and a grocery list of people I pissed off. You live and you learn and it has taken me several years to finally understand that I can only be sorry for so long and have to move forward.

Flash forward to 2015 and I have graduated with honors, 3 majors, and a shit ton of student debt, but I’ll be damned if I was going to stop. On July 3rd I drove 10 hours North to Iowa. Attending a top ranked masters program, essentially a full ride, and a new town was what I needed. However, I quickly found out that being a RA for 4 years and the lessons I thought I learned were not enough. I traveled to 12 new states, had some of the best food the Midwest has to offer, and somehow found a hand full of people who took a chance on me. While my time in Iowa was not perfect and filled with more lonely nights than the first semester of my freshman year at Ole Miss, I was able to check another thing off my list: getting a master’s degree.

Now May came and went and I was fortunate enough to get a job. In July I will drive some 1300 miles Northeast to Connecticut to join what I feel like will be an amazing team of professionals. In almost 10 years of getting on my first flight ever (to LA for a FBLA competition), I have visited half the states, been to a couple of countries, and have plans for some more trips. I have found that I have sadly lost a few good friends along this journey. While I travel alone, the few that stay are the ones that get me through it all. Yet strangely something is wrong.

All I have ever wanted to do was travel. I could careless about the Instagram filters, the catchy hashtags, and the total number of likes. I find solace with being alone in a new place, but no matter where I go, I never get as excited as when I cross the Mississippi River. There isn’t much in this little old town. New Albany is growing but let’s be honest, it doesn’t have much. And Oxford, well its full of memories and demons I’m just trying to outrun. But no matter where I go, how much I learn, or the people who come and go, there is no place that feels like home. Unless you count a margarita on a lonely beach, I’ll probably take that instead of home if its July in Mississippi.

Heres to another adventure, another city, another place that I’ll go wishing it was home.

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From Cotton to Corn: Grad School Year One

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Let’s be clear from the start, my transition to Iowa this year was awful. I have been in “survive” mode more than “thrive” and I even began a new grad school search in November. In my experience, I was sold a perfect picture of grad school from peers, supervisors, and institutions: cohorts that become automatic friend groups, opportunities all around, and all the adventures at your fingertips. We have done this to ourselves. We think of our experience in school and try to make it the same/think it will be the same for each new member. I genuinely struggled this year. I failed assignments, I cried, I wanted to quit and pack my bags for Mississippi (probably first time that has ever been said in the history of the world). To put it bluntly: this year was shit.

However, among all the failure, struggles, and loneliness, I made some self-discoveries. I’ve learned a great deal about myself, the profession, and just life in general. I’ve read some difficult articles, been challenged in class, and met confrontation head on. In true Rebel fashion, I challenged what was preached to me in classes and pushed myself and others. Now that the dust is starting to settle and I prepare for the summer and my two months of hard time on the beach at FGCU, I have a few things that I wish to share to the world about my adventures on the other side of the Mississippi (and 10 hours further up river).

  • Loneliness. Moving to a new school, city, and state was hands down the hardest challenge I’ve faced in my life (privilege acknowledged). I have taken for granted all the many friends I’ve made along the way. I forgot what it was like to be a stranger in the crowd, the new kid on the block, the person that is from a place no one has been they ask “why did you come here?”. I have spent my share of hours and days by myself, without someone to casually hang out. Granted, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some great people and finally have a small amount of friends, I still feel as if I am all alone. No one could have prepared me for this. However, I now revel in my loneliness. I have time to reflect, think, and meditate. I have learned more about myself than I could have ever done in the crowds at the Square of the Grove. I’ve learned to be ok silence and to sit in the quite. No I won’t go to a movie or bar by myself but I can go and eat a nice sit-down meal, go exploring, and shoot hoops for hours without talking to anyone. I’m always open to meeting new people but I now can handle being the only person I know.
  • Dating. It hasn’t happened. I’ve done the whole tinder, bumble, you-name-it apps. I’ve meet people through people and even tried the whole “lame pick-up line game” at the grocery store, bars, and the likes. I do not know what it is, but the belles up here aren’t the same as they are back home (must be the lack of sweet tea). Granted, I’m a white, cis gendered male so I have no room to complain about the dating culture (privilege acknowledged), but it has been “awkward af”. Granted I have some things to work on personally both in terms of myself and my past emotions, but still they don’t tell you about the difficulty of separating yourself from undergrads and trying to find a cute date. Not to mention the fact I live in a residence hall (but I have my own apartment!) and that tends to put an even more awkward twist on conversations. I’ve learned a great deal of patience and grown calmer in my spirit. I have journaled my struggles and don’t mind laughing with friends on my failed dates. I still am an eager beaver, but I know that my future is in fate’s hand and I am only playing my part.
  • Culture. The people here are weird. This whole “Midwest/Iowa nice” thing pisses me off. People run all over each other and are so damn indecisive. There isn’t any sweet tea, they put peppers or hot sauce and call it “Cajun”, and don’t even try and ask me about the tailgating (they do it in parking lots, they were this gaudy cover-alls, and they just stand there staring at each other drinking shitty beer). “Country” and “being from the South” to them is just a flannel and camo pants, talking in a “funny accent”, and kissing your cousin. They think they “know football”, “know what good soul food is”, and “know what hot weather is”. The amount of times I have shook my head, bit my tongue, and kept a level head this year when people talk badly about my home is astronomical (granted the South has a shit ton of problems, Iowa isn’t that far behind). However, I’ve learned every town, city, and state has its own unique culture. I’ve learned not to make Iowa like Ole Miss and to always learn in every situation. I’ve learned my way of living is just one of multiple realities. I’ve learned so much about my own culture back home and have noticed the many underlying privileges I have. It may not be Ole Miss, but Iowa is kinda nice.
  • Self. If you ask anyone around here what my name is they will (more times than not) call me Justin Kyle. JKT is a pet name, Justin is what I’m called when I’m in trouble or in Tulsa (long story), and Kyle is just another name in the crowd. I’ve always loved how my two names roll together and I spent the first part of the semester being so self-conscious about it because if I wanted to go by that, it would be “odd”. People have met me at various times of my life may be confused as to why this is. I’ve always struggled with making my own identity, name, and reputation. From Kell (oh high school) to Myrtle (because people my freshman year that it was hilarious), the words I’ve gone by have been many, but they just haven’t been me. In all the loneliness, awkward dates and talking about myself, and being a stranger in a new culture, I’ve discovered so much about myself. The things I have uncovered, re-discovered, changed, and shunned are many. The greatest of all, however, is my true name. A name that means the world to me. A name that gives me pride, makes we stick out, and truly captures my identity. Justin Kyle is more than just a couple words that confuse the hell out of people, it is who I am now from this point forward. The greatest thing I have learned since coming to Iowa is this: The man I was and the man I want to be is up to the man now to change. I am the author of my own path (in the hands of my God). We go to college to “find ourselves”, so even in grad school you can learn more about yourself.

The mistakes I have made in my life can make a grocery list jealous. I’ve pushed away people I have loved and not realized it. I’ve done what I can to impress others. I’ve been unauthentic, self-centered, and an egotistical bastard at times. I’ve done a lot, I’ve learned a lot, I still have a winding path ahead of me. Grad school has been hard, but it has been the best for me. No matter how much I wanted to leave, I know I couldn’t. I had to make myself learn by living in dissonance. I had to get out in order to come back home.

There is no telling what is in store for me from this point on, but I will take it head on with a stiff drink of Maker’s Mark, momma’s prayers, and passion for making a change. William Faulkner once said “to understand the world one must first understand a place like Mississippi”. For me, I’m trying to understand the world so that I can one day go home and make a difference. Iowa has given me a great deal of challenges, but a year in and I’m still going. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got 800+ students to move out of my damn building and drive to Florida for another experience. Cheers.