Taking back weIrd.

15095085_10157880039740195_5776711519961594922_nWeird should be a battle cry, a rod of power, a force to be reckon with. Yet sadly there are folks that silence, break, and belittle those who step out of some made up line in the social sand.

Folks tear down the unique, and try to silence the quirky. Folks try to step on the daring, and smolder the bright. Yet while this happens everyday, those who are pushed around arise stronger each time.

My struggle with being true is a life long journey. From high school to now, I have changed 100 times over. From social anxiety to ADHD, to all the demons that lie in wait in my memories to torment me, there is a lot going on in the noggin of mine and somehow I’m able to smile.

Throughout the years I have been laughed at, ostracized, and even ignored. Granted, some of this is because of my own actions. However, because I can’t sit still, don’t speak in large groups, and get WAY too carried away with details, I’ve been marked by some with a giant W on my forehead.

The screaming self doubts, the bullying fears, the trampling pride all rush to me. All this comes at the price of being human? Why? This cannot be right.

I am not going to lie, I do not have my life figured out. I struggle every single day. My daily battles are not ones to compare, a badge to wear with pride, nor a thing to pity. Rather, these things are what make me me.

My inability to stay focused on task allows me to be ever curious in conversation.

My disdain for sitting still lets me be a joyous wanderer.

My fear of large groups and the sure stumbling of my words allows me to observe, reflect, and act with care.

These things that I have been mocked for so long, are things folks battle with everyday. Yet I’m the weird one?

No more.

No more does your double edged words hold a decisive power in my ears.

No more does your perceived power in your ivory towers of “cool” or “normal” intimidate.

No more will your back bitting, whispering, or snickering claw at my mind and my heart.

Enough.

I take back that word. I embrace my ever wondering mind. I run when I cannot sit still. I find calm in the storm of people. That power you once use to keep me in a dark corner will not be what stops my love, my laugh, my voice.

No more will I let others dictate what is status quo, what is normal, what is cool. I let loose my quirks, revel in my discomfort, and take hold of the silence.

Weird is no longer your tool of hate and ignorance. Instead, it is my light.

No, I won’t let you hold weIrd as ransom. No I won’t let you throw weIrd with the weight of fear. No I won’t let you have enjoyment with weIrd at my expense.

I am me. Never fully formed, neither ever truly certain. Always in question, always in reflection.

Because I am weIrd, I am me.

Advertisements

New School, New State, New Lonely?

Some may know, some may not, but I moved from my home for nearly all my life. Moving from Mississippi to Iowa was interesting. Countless people tell me “what a great school!”, “you will do great!”, and “I’m proud of you”. Truth be told, it was a failure. A hot, beautiful mess of failure. I still count the days until I can graduate, but it has taught me some lessons (see previous blog). However, that isn’t the reason for this blurb.

Rather, I have moved yet again (only for a summer internship) and a whole new mess of challenges have come my way. Yet, somehow, I am at the greatest peace with myself since, well, I have not clue since when. I drove over 1,500 miles and 24 hours to the sunny state of Florida and God couldn’t have planned it any better.

I AM LONELY.

I know no one here. 

I have no one to go grab a beer with, watch baseball, chill with on the beach, ANYTHING.

and I oddly am ok with this.

Have I changed? Yes I have. I have shaken off the shallow soul many once knew as JKT. I have learned from my mistakes of being a pompous, arrogant ass whole who thought he knew it all. I have changed.

This lovely revelation wasn’t free. It cost me, a lot. I lost the best friend I could have ever asked for. I have strained relationships with family. I have cried and looked the ugliness that was me in the eye.

What is this?

New school. New state. New kind of lonely. I can revel in the quietness. I can find joy in the silence. I am ok with not seeking the attention and love of others. Perhaps my greatest challenge of hyper-masculinity, hyper-arrogance, hyper-shitty-ness was that of my own self.

I have learned so much – so much about myself.

Being Lonely isn’t always bad – it can be good. Change happens at the edge of discomfort, so why not be revel in the times of strange?

Whatever these few months may hold, I am facing head on.

Whatever the next 348 days until graduation hold, I can survive. it.

Whatever life may bring, I know I can always learn from others – and myself.

Whatever the hell you may have known about me, may have experienced, may have heard – it probably was true. However, looking in the rear-view and the mirror for the past year has taught me many things and one thing for sure – change has come, change will come, life is change.

So long old self, Hello new lonely, new self, new life. 

I have began a journey to find myself and I cannot wait to see what tomorrow will hold.

cheers.